What do you do when the internet dies?
This is the question at the forefront of everybody's minds. The internet is our lifesource, what keeps us from slitting our wrists, what keeps us from being committed to the insane asylum. This is why asylums are so little spoken of in the modern age.
So what do you do when the internet forsakes you and decides to not work? Here are some suggestions.
1) Scream and run in circles. It is not productive, but it is valid.
2) Curl up into the foetal position and rock. It is less intrusive than the screaming but has a similarly cathartic effect.
3) Yell at the internet. It won't hear you and this may only aggravate you further.
4) keep hopefully refreshing the same page in a psychopathically repetitive fashion.
5) Go and yell at the person who holds the internet account. They're probably responsible, and if they're not, who cares - they are now.
6) Call up your ISP and yell at the sweet 18-year-old call centre representative. It's probably their fault.
7) Throw your computer across the room. Try not to smash the screen, you might regret it later. Throw it softly if possible.
8) Call your mum and yell at her. She loves abuse.
9) Go for a walk. Didn't see that coming, did you?
10) Go to sleep. The internet will probably be over its illness when you awake.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Boys do not know on which side their bread is buttered
I recently got asked out on a date.
Yay! You might be thinking. Yay! I was thinking. For someone such as I, possibly slightly dumpier than the average girl, and with less self-confidence than is ultimately desirable, you can imagine the thrill that ran through me when I saw the boy’s genuine shyness and his shaking hands.
“Er…I was just wondering…um…if perhaps you’d like to go for coffee sometime?”
I almost jumped down his throat with my yes, I was so nervous for him myself.
“Oh! Great!” he enthused.
Awkward silence.
“I’ll give you my number then, shall I?” I ventured.
“Yes! That’s great!” he said, somewhat relieved.
So I gave the poor boy my number, somewhat bemused through the awkwardness at his shaking hands. How absurdly sweet!
I did not have to wait long for him to text me; it happened within the hour. He was very cordial and very sweet, even if he did insist on spelling “definitely” as “defiantly”.
We set a day for the grand event, and on the day, I was an excited ball of nerves. However, no word came, so eventually I texted him and asked what was going on.
I received a text hours later saying that he had to go out of town, dreadfully sorry, etc.
So: I decided to give him one more go. Because, of course, he was pretty cute, even if he couldn’t spell definitely (he’d spelt it wrong twice at this point).
So we texted back and forth for a while, and I visited him at his work a couple of times, and everything was pleasant except for a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that perhaps interest had waned on his part a little. This proved to be no mean powers of deduction.
It all came to a head when I went in one day and was incredibly sweet, incredibly nice, and had dressed and made-up myself exceedingly well. We exchanged pleasantries but there was a haunted look in his eye. I received a text approximately fifteen minutes after leaving the shop:
"Hey, nice to see you today, you looked really amazing. So I thought that I should let you know that a little while ago I bumped into my ex and we’ve been hanging out a bit so I don’t think it’s fair on either of you if you and I meet up at the moment. I need to sort my shit out, but I’ll defiantly keep your number and maybe we can catch up some time in the future!”
The third “defiantly” was TOO much. Regardless of ex-girlfriends, this guy was never going to see my undergarments, nor anything beyond. I was also never going to be ANYONE’S backup plan.
I text back, rather coolly, “My, how awkward for you. Well you know what they say about exes – they are exes for a reason! Good luck with that though!”
And then I never heard from him again.
I have never been so baffled in my life: Surely this was not the shaking, contrite creature that had stood before me just two weeks before, humbly requesting my number? Now he was "in demand" as such, with girls just lapping at his feet, ready for the taking!
And this, my dear friends, is why you should never be too eager. Also: This could just be my opinion, but: Bad spelling/grammar = bad lay. Just sayin'. Go prove me wrong.
Yay! You might be thinking. Yay! I was thinking. For someone such as I, possibly slightly dumpier than the average girl, and with less self-confidence than is ultimately desirable, you can imagine the thrill that ran through me when I saw the boy’s genuine shyness and his shaking hands.
“Er…I was just wondering…um…if perhaps you’d like to go for coffee sometime?”
I almost jumped down his throat with my yes, I was so nervous for him myself.
“Oh! Great!” he enthused.
Awkward silence.
“I’ll give you my number then, shall I?” I ventured.
“Yes! That’s great!” he said, somewhat relieved.
So I gave the poor boy my number, somewhat bemused through the awkwardness at his shaking hands. How absurdly sweet!
I did not have to wait long for him to text me; it happened within the hour. He was very cordial and very sweet, even if he did insist on spelling “definitely” as “defiantly”.
We set a day for the grand event, and on the day, I was an excited ball of nerves. However, no word came, so eventually I texted him and asked what was going on.
I received a text hours later saying that he had to go out of town, dreadfully sorry, etc.
So: I decided to give him one more go. Because, of course, he was pretty cute, even if he couldn’t spell definitely (he’d spelt it wrong twice at this point).
So we texted back and forth for a while, and I visited him at his work a couple of times, and everything was pleasant except for a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that perhaps interest had waned on his part a little. This proved to be no mean powers of deduction.
It all came to a head when I went in one day and was incredibly sweet, incredibly nice, and had dressed and made-up myself exceedingly well. We exchanged pleasantries but there was a haunted look in his eye. I received a text approximately fifteen minutes after leaving the shop:
"Hey, nice to see you today, you looked really amazing. So I thought that I should let you know that a little while ago I bumped into my ex and we’ve been hanging out a bit so I don’t think it’s fair on either of you if you and I meet up at the moment. I need to sort my shit out, but I’ll defiantly keep your number and maybe we can catch up some time in the future!”
The third “defiantly” was TOO much. Regardless of ex-girlfriends, this guy was never going to see my undergarments, nor anything beyond. I was also never going to be ANYONE’S backup plan.
I text back, rather coolly, “My, how awkward for you. Well you know what they say about exes – they are exes for a reason! Good luck with that though!”
And then I never heard from him again.
I have never been so baffled in my life: Surely this was not the shaking, contrite creature that had stood before me just two weeks before, humbly requesting my number? Now he was "in demand" as such, with girls just lapping at his feet, ready for the taking!
And this, my dear friends, is why you should never be too eager. Also: This could just be my opinion, but: Bad spelling/grammar = bad lay. Just sayin'. Go prove me wrong.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Stalking: A comprehensive guide
Everybody has crushes. The problem is, it’s very hard to tell if the person you are crushing on is compatible to your personality and lifestyle. Take a rational approach and follow these quick and simple steps to stalking your crush. Find out if they’re the one for you!
1. You must know their full name. It’s good to have their date of birth as well.
2. Google them. It’s likely that this will link you to all their social media sites, which is the best way to start out your stalking.
3. Go on to their Facebook or Myspace and look at their photos. You can usually do this unless they’ve been stalked before and have made their privacy settings tighter.
4. By looking through their photos you will be able to find out where they hang out, who with, and whether or not they are single. It’s not really important if they’re single or not though, you will probably be able to scare off the competition with your knife.
5. It is best to try and find a mutual friend. You can latch onto this friend and they will be your “in” to all of the social events that your crush attends.
6. Do not let the mutual friend get ideas about you. As attractive and irresistable as you are, you must spurn them. Your crush must not have competition.
7. When you are at social events with your crush, do not try and insinuate yourself into their conversations. It is likely that your good looks and winning charm will make them change their demeanour to win you over. Instead, stand within earshot of existing conversations your crush is having. That way you get to see if they are appropriate for you or not.
8. It’s time to see what they do all day! It’s so cliché to hide in bushes or sit in cars outside their house. Instead, try a more creative approach. If you’re wealthy, harness surveillance technology and install a camera to look on their house. If you’re poor, try sitting up a very leafy tree. It might get uncomfortable, but at least you’re original.
9. If at any time you get the chance, sneak into their house and look at their bedroom. You can tell a lot about people by the books they read and the colour of their wallpaper.
10. You are now ready to approach your crush! It’s been proven that it’s unwise to let on that you know so much about them. Let them do the talking. You will find that with an already intimate understanding of them, you will be able to pre-empt almost their every desire.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Holy crap, you've got to write a paper
Sitting down to start a paper may appear to be the hardest part, but you're wrong. It's just the beginning of many very separate too-hard moments which will begin to spiral out of control now that you are seated.
Take now, for instance: I have only just managed to extricate myself from bed, where I was reading blissfully, so that I can sit in front of this here screen in preparation to start. Small pat on the back for getting that far. However, I just opened my research notes, and realized that I was going to have to reformat them before handing them in. That's when I opened a game of solitaire.
I'm pretty much promising you that as soon as I've written half a page, I'll find something that I'll need to verify. Do you know what's just too hard right now? Search engines. I'm going to read a blog instead.
Basically, at two in the morning when I only have eight hours left before hand-in, the fear will strike and all of a sudden my too-hard basket will magically empty. Then I'll write like a bat out of hell and eventually fall asleep on the "a" key when I'm 7/8ths done.
I'll wake up at approximately ten to seven, giving me just enough time to have some caffeine, scrawl some crap to fill in the gaps, delete seven pages of aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, print it off and race to Uni.
Then I'll congratulate myself for getting it done "so quickly". What a douche.
Take now, for instance: I have only just managed to extricate myself from bed, where I was reading blissfully, so that I can sit in front of this here screen in preparation to start. Small pat on the back for getting that far. However, I just opened my research notes, and realized that I was going to have to reformat them before handing them in. That's when I opened a game of solitaire.
I'm pretty much promising you that as soon as I've written half a page, I'll find something that I'll need to verify. Do you know what's just too hard right now? Search engines. I'm going to read a blog instead.
Basically, at two in the morning when I only have eight hours left before hand-in, the fear will strike and all of a sudden my too-hard basket will magically empty. Then I'll write like a bat out of hell and eventually fall asleep on the "a" key when I'm 7/8ths done.
I'll wake up at approximately ten to seven, giving me just enough time to have some caffeine, scrawl some crap to fill in the gaps, delete seven pages of aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, print it off and race to Uni.
Then I'll congratulate myself for getting it done "so quickly". What a douche.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Irritating flatmate and I: A dialogue
ME: "Have you seen the coffee plunger? I could swear it was here this morning."
IRRITATING FLATMATE: "It's in the dishwasher."
Side note: Our dishwasher has been broken for several months now. We all do our own dishes by hand. At least, that's what we *thought* we were all doing.
(Pregnant pause ensues)
ME: "Um...why?"
IRRITATING FLATMATE: "Um... (sarcastic face-pulling... or perhaps his face is just like that) so it will get clean."
ME: "You *know* the dishwasher's broken, right?"
IRRITATING FLATMATE: "Works fine for me."
ME: "FUUUUUUUU-----"
PROLOGUE
The dishwasher did not clean any of Irritating Flatmate's dishes properly. They came out crusty and curry-caked, likely owing to the fact that he had left them on the bench for three days prior without soaking them, rather than the fact that the dishwasher actually IS broken.
To this day he swears they are "clean enough for him".
The rest of us lovely, consensus-abiding flatmates sat down and laughed about how Irritating Flatmate never got over not living with his mother. After we had cleaned up after him, of course. Just like his mother would have done.
PS: He just left town for ten days. He left the dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
PSS: His mother pays his rent. He's 28. Yes, you read right.
IRRITATING FLATMATE: "It's in the dishwasher."
Side note: Our dishwasher has been broken for several months now. We all do our own dishes by hand. At least, that's what we *thought* we were all doing.
(Pregnant pause ensues)
ME: "Um...why?"
IRRITATING FLATMATE: "Um... (sarcastic face-pulling... or perhaps his face is just like that) so it will get clean."
ME: "You *know* the dishwasher's broken, right?"
IRRITATING FLATMATE: "Works fine for me."
ME: "FUUUUUUUU-----"
PROLOGUE
The dishwasher did not clean any of Irritating Flatmate's dishes properly. They came out crusty and curry-caked, likely owing to the fact that he had left them on the bench for three days prior without soaking them, rather than the fact that the dishwasher actually IS broken.
To this day he swears they are "clean enough for him".
The rest of us lovely, consensus-abiding flatmates sat down and laughed about how Irritating Flatmate never got over not living with his mother. After we had cleaned up after him, of course. Just like his mother would have done.
PS: He just left town for ten days. He left the dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
PSS: His mother pays his rent. He's 28. Yes, you read right.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Things I Have Learned This Week
It's a picture of a caterpillar. How nice.
Here are some things you should never do if you value your sanity.
1: Don't get out your debit card if you are walking somewhere and you are holding elebenty-million things. You will drop it, and when you go to buy a sandwich (the reason you got it out in the first place, and you were starving so you got it out super-preemptively) you will have NOTHING. You will also not have any cash on you. You will have to walk home, too, because you were planning to get out cash for the bus when you purchased your sandwich.
2: Don't try to be all classy and color-coordinated by switching handbags every couple of days. you will
a) go to buy alcohol and realize your ID is in your other bag
b) go to buy alcohol and realize your money is in your other bag
c) a combination of above factors.
3: Don't just assume that it won't rain. It will. You will be in a short-sleeved t-shirt and get saturated. It will be a white t-shirt too and everyone will see your goods.
4: Don't let your little brother borrow your CD's. Sure, it's flattering that he wants to listen to the same music as you. It's not flattering that he doesn't actually give two fucks about them and will either lose/scratch/shatter them.
5: Don't ask your mother for favors. She will ABSOLUTELY hold it against you next time she wants a favor, and trust me, her favor will be twenty times more elaborate and time-consuming than the one you asked for.
6: Codeine and alcohol are not friends. You will pass out. Trust me.
7: Don't pour milk into your coffee without smelling it first.
8: Don't go for six months without paying your cellphone bill. Yeah, they'll cut you off, and then with alarming rapidity refer your overdue account to debt collectors. Bastards.
9: For the love of God, do not leave your laptop open unattended around your roommates. You will look at your Facebook status two days later and see that "Ellie likes to suck cock" is your status update. Also on Twitter. And on Google Buzz.
10: Finally, never, NEVER wear shoes of dubious comfort out of the house. They pinch a little now? in twenty minutes you will be in SHEER AGONY.
It's been a good week.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Random Thoughts Perpetuated By Studying Too Hard
I am possibly the worst. Studier. Ever. I leave everything until the last minute and then procrastinate my way through paragraphs and paragraphs of dubiously-researched waffle. It alarms me on a regular basis that I generally get fairly average/decent marks.
Around 1am, the night before a due date, the crazies begin to set in. Here are some random thoughts from this delightful frame of mind.
Why do people have ocean-themed bathrooms? Does the sound of the toilet flushing remind them of the ocean or something?
I wonder what it would be like to be a cat. I'd have fur and shit. I'd be able to lick my own ass.
Smarties are such obscure colours when you compare them to Pebbles and MMs. That funny beige colour, for instance. Really? You wanna put that in your mouth?
Why can't I find sunglasses like Laura Palmer's in Twin Peaks?
What's the opposite of androgenous?
The tip of my nose is getting more bulbous, I swear. Last time I checked it was way smaller. I'm gonna need rhinoplasty at this rate.
Who gets to decide what the flavour/colour correlations of candy? Who gets to choose if yellow is banana, pineapple or lemon flavoured? WHAT KIND OF CREDENTIALS DO THEY HAVE?
Why do so many people have difficulty with punctuation and grammar? It's getting to universal epidemic proportions. I feel like some kind of genius for knowing the difference between they're, there and their.
Who gets to choose what fashion styles are in or out? Who gets to say that bell-bottoms are coming back in? WHAT KIND OF CREDENTIALS DO THEY HAVE?
If I were an oompa-loompa, would I be attracted to oompa-loompa men?
I wonder what I would look like with a fuck-tonne of piercings.
I wonder what I would look like with a fuck-tonne of tattoos.
If I were getting a tattoo, what would I get?
If I were getting a piercing, where would I get it?
I wonder how much it hurts to get your penis pierced.
I don't have a penis so I will never know.
I wonder if it's like nipples? If so, I wonder how much nipple piercings hurt.
What does green taste like? Is it apple? pear? lime? avocado? pistachio? mint? Surely there is a standard green taste.
I wonder what it's like to give birth.
Who made up time? That whole seconds/minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years thing must have taken fucking ages to work out.
Why am I still awake?
Around 1am, the night before a due date, the crazies begin to set in. Here are some random thoughts from this delightful frame of mind.
Why do people have ocean-themed bathrooms? Does the sound of the toilet flushing remind them of the ocean or something?
I wonder what it would be like to be a cat. I'd have fur and shit. I'd be able to lick my own ass.
Smarties are such obscure colours when you compare them to Pebbles and MMs. That funny beige colour, for instance. Really? You wanna put that in your mouth?
Why can't I find sunglasses like Laura Palmer's in Twin Peaks?
What's the opposite of androgenous?
The tip of my nose is getting more bulbous, I swear. Last time I checked it was way smaller. I'm gonna need rhinoplasty at this rate.
Who gets to decide what the flavour/colour correlations of candy? Who gets to choose if yellow is banana, pineapple or lemon flavoured? WHAT KIND OF CREDENTIALS DO THEY HAVE?
Why do so many people have difficulty with punctuation and grammar? It's getting to universal epidemic proportions. I feel like some kind of genius for knowing the difference between they're, there and their.
Who gets to choose what fashion styles are in or out? Who gets to say that bell-bottoms are coming back in? WHAT KIND OF CREDENTIALS DO THEY HAVE?
If I were an oompa-loompa, would I be attracted to oompa-loompa men?
I wonder what I would look like with a fuck-tonne of piercings.
I wonder what I would look like with a fuck-tonne of tattoos.
If I were getting a tattoo, what would I get?
If I were getting a piercing, where would I get it?
I wonder how much it hurts to get your penis pierced.
I don't have a penis so I will never know.
I wonder if it's like nipples? If so, I wonder how much nipple piercings hurt.
What does green taste like? Is it apple? pear? lime? avocado? pistachio? mint? Surely there is a standard green taste.
I wonder what it's like to give birth.
Who made up time? That whole seconds/minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years thing must have taken fucking ages to work out.
Why am I still awake?
Ellie Rants: Procrastination
Procrastination is one of my favourite pastimes. I am really, really good at it.
Procrastination has many forms - some are useful, some are simply a means to an end. Here's a wee dictionary of some of my favourites for your use and enjoyment.
Procrasti-surf: Bleed the internet dry, y'all. It's interesting and can be done incrementally. Comment on all your friends' photos. Casually stalk someone on Facebook. Write a blog.
Procrasti-wee: Go to the toilet. You think you don't need to, but there's always a chance you can squeeze a couple of drops out.
Procrasti-makeup: While you're in the bathroom, think about all the different styles of makeup that you've always wanted to experiment with. Ever wondered what you'd look like with thick, black eyeliner right the way round your eyes? Try it! A smear of green shadow? Why not! Your flatmate's lipstick that suits her perfectly but might or might not suit you? GO FOR GOLD.
Proctasti-tweeze: You really, REALLY need to pluck your eyebrows right now. No other time will do. While you're at it, consider waxing your legs. Stop before you consider giving yourself a home-job brazilian however. I can personally testify that this does not turn out well.
Procrasti-snack: Of course you're hungry. You just don't know it. Fix a snack, the more elaborate and time-consuming the better.
Procrasti-bake: An extension of the procrasti-snack. Nothing better than a home-baked treat to help along the "studying".
Procrasti-beverage: Fix a drink. Hot drinks take longer than cold drinks. Coffee is especially fantastic because you have to wait for it to brew. If it's not 4am, you can always consider leaving the house for beverages. Same goes for food.
Procrasti-photography: There's bound to be loads of interesting shit around your home that you can photograph. Experiment with "arty" shots. Draw the process out by resizing them all and uploading them to all your social networking sites. Draw it out even further by manipulating the images in photoshop.
Procrasti-wardrobe: Play dress-ups! There are definitely numerous combinations of clothing that you've never even considered. Use this opportunity to really hone your style or create a new image altogether.
Procrasti-shop: Visit the supermarket under the guise of getting study snacks/beverages. Take time to read the backs of packets. Compare the nutritional information of all brands of crackers. Pause in the magazine isle and have a browse through the latest gossip. Procrasti-shopping is fantastic; the supermarket is ALWAYS OPEN.
Procrasti-clean: One of the more extreme forms of procrastination. However, arguably one of the most limitless. Start with your bedroom; rearrange the furniture, vacuum under the bed and organise your closet in categories. Then the bathroom. If you scrub long enough you can probably make the shower/vanity/toilet white again. Follow suit with the kitchen, living area and dining room. You'll know you're nearly done when you're down to scrubbing the walls and skirting.
Procrasti-paint: Release the artist in you! It doesn't matter if you are an accomplished artist or not. Experiment with block colours and create a fabulous piece of modern art for the living room. Try and paint your impression of the cat. Get your flatmate to pose nude so you can do life drawing, and insist that they sit VERY STILL while you labour over the crease in their elbow.
Procrasti-music: Play an instrument? Practice. Don't? LEARN. Improvise a drumkit from kitchen utensils and pots and pans/biscuit tins. Borrow your metal-head flatmate's guitar. If there's a violin handy, teach yourself to play twinkle twinkle little star. If you are musically inclined, now is definitely the perfect time to get down that song that's been going round in your head for the last few days.
Procrasti-pet: Lavish some love and affection on your cat, dog or tarantula. Take Rover for an extra-long walk as a treat for being your favourite dog in the whole wide world. Brush Kitty's fur til it gleams like the sun. Think up new tricks to teach your hamster/gerbil/rabbit/mouse/ferret/budgie, even if in the past they've shown no inclination to do tricks. Don't have a pet? Now's a great time to consider buying one. Think long and hard about the kind of pet you might like and be sure to research it thoroughly on the internet. Make a list of all the essential accessories you will need before heading to the pet shop for a long, detailed deliberation about what colour bunny rabbit is the cutest.
Procrasti-exercise: It's been a long time since you last did crunches. Start out with sets of 20 and alternate with push-ups and lunges. Take a long, long walk or bike ride, or try going for a run. Dig out Dad's old boxing gloves, prop a mattress up against the wall and pretend you're Mohummed Ali.
Procrasti-phone: Are you wondering what Johnny is doing? Why not call him and find out! Systematically work your way through your contacts list and try all the people that you know have excellent verbal diarrhea skills. If you're at an absolute loss, call your mother and let her talk at you about the dog.
Procrasti-craft: You know, I bet you'd be fantastic at origami. Collate all your possible craft materials into a pile on the table and then search for online tutorials that match up and to get the gist. From there, practice, practice, practice! You'll be crocheting like a pro in no time.
Procrasti-beautify: A natural follow-on from makeup experimentation and hair removal. Take a shower and give yourself a full body scrub. Put a treatment/colour through your hair. Shave your legs (if you haven't waxed them already) and your armpits. Then, moisturise your entire body before moving on to cleansing, toning, exfoliating and moisturising your face. Moisturise your body a second time for good measure. Clean your ears, shape your nails and then give yourself a pedicure and manicure. Straighten and style your hair. Finish up with tinting your lashes with a home kit.
Procrasti-nap: If you've exhausted all available procrasti-options, go to sleep. You're probably really tired from completely overhauling your life in the past few hours. Go on, you deserve it.
Procrastination has many forms - some are useful, some are simply a means to an end. Here's a wee dictionary of some of my favourites for your use and enjoyment.
Procrasti-surf: Bleed the internet dry, y'all. It's interesting and can be done incrementally. Comment on all your friends' photos. Casually stalk someone on Facebook. Write a blog.
Procrasti-wee: Go to the toilet. You think you don't need to, but there's always a chance you can squeeze a couple of drops out.
Procrasti-makeup: While you're in the bathroom, think about all the different styles of makeup that you've always wanted to experiment with. Ever wondered what you'd look like with thick, black eyeliner right the way round your eyes? Try it! A smear of green shadow? Why not! Your flatmate's lipstick that suits her perfectly but might or might not suit you? GO FOR GOLD.
Proctasti-tweeze: You really, REALLY need to pluck your eyebrows right now. No other time will do. While you're at it, consider waxing your legs. Stop before you consider giving yourself a home-job brazilian however. I can personally testify that this does not turn out well.
Procrasti-snack: Of course you're hungry. You just don't know it. Fix a snack, the more elaborate and time-consuming the better.
Procrasti-bake: An extension of the procrasti-snack. Nothing better than a home-baked treat to help along the "studying".
Procrasti-beverage: Fix a drink. Hot drinks take longer than cold drinks. Coffee is especially fantastic because you have to wait for it to brew. If it's not 4am, you can always consider leaving the house for beverages. Same goes for food.
Procrasti-photography: There's bound to be loads of interesting shit around your home that you can photograph. Experiment with "arty" shots. Draw the process out by resizing them all and uploading them to all your social networking sites. Draw it out even further by manipulating the images in photoshop.
Procrasti-wardrobe: Play dress-ups! There are definitely numerous combinations of clothing that you've never even considered. Use this opportunity to really hone your style or create a new image altogether.
Procrasti-shop: Visit the supermarket under the guise of getting study snacks/beverages. Take time to read the backs of packets. Compare the nutritional information of all brands of crackers. Pause in the magazine isle and have a browse through the latest gossip. Procrasti-shopping is fantastic; the supermarket is ALWAYS OPEN.
Procrasti-clean: One of the more extreme forms of procrastination. However, arguably one of the most limitless. Start with your bedroom; rearrange the furniture, vacuum under the bed and organise your closet in categories. Then the bathroom. If you scrub long enough you can probably make the shower/vanity/toilet white again. Follow suit with the kitchen, living area and dining room. You'll know you're nearly done when you're down to scrubbing the walls and skirting.
Procrasti-paint: Release the artist in you! It doesn't matter if you are an accomplished artist or not. Experiment with block colours and create a fabulous piece of modern art for the living room. Try and paint your impression of the cat. Get your flatmate to pose nude so you can do life drawing, and insist that they sit VERY STILL while you labour over the crease in their elbow.
Procrasti-music: Play an instrument? Practice. Don't? LEARN. Improvise a drumkit from kitchen utensils and pots and pans/biscuit tins. Borrow your metal-head flatmate's guitar. If there's a violin handy, teach yourself to play twinkle twinkle little star. If you are musically inclined, now is definitely the perfect time to get down that song that's been going round in your head for the last few days.
Procrasti-pet: Lavish some love and affection on your cat, dog or tarantula. Take Rover for an extra-long walk as a treat for being your favourite dog in the whole wide world. Brush Kitty's fur til it gleams like the sun. Think up new tricks to teach your hamster/gerbil/rabbit/mouse/ferret/budgie, even if in the past they've shown no inclination to do tricks. Don't have a pet? Now's a great time to consider buying one. Think long and hard about the kind of pet you might like and be sure to research it thoroughly on the internet. Make a list of all the essential accessories you will need before heading to the pet shop for a long, detailed deliberation about what colour bunny rabbit is the cutest.
Procrasti-exercise: It's been a long time since you last did crunches. Start out with sets of 20 and alternate with push-ups and lunges. Take a long, long walk or bike ride, or try going for a run. Dig out Dad's old boxing gloves, prop a mattress up against the wall and pretend you're Mohummed Ali.
Procrasti-phone: Are you wondering what Johnny is doing? Why not call him and find out! Systematically work your way through your contacts list and try all the people that you know have excellent verbal diarrhea skills. If you're at an absolute loss, call your mother and let her talk at you about the dog.
Procrasti-craft: You know, I bet you'd be fantastic at origami. Collate all your possible craft materials into a pile on the table and then search for online tutorials that match up and to get the gist. From there, practice, practice, practice! You'll be crocheting like a pro in no time.
Procrasti-beautify: A natural follow-on from makeup experimentation and hair removal. Take a shower and give yourself a full body scrub. Put a treatment/colour through your hair. Shave your legs (if you haven't waxed them already) and your armpits. Then, moisturise your entire body before moving on to cleansing, toning, exfoliating and moisturising your face. Moisturise your body a second time for good measure. Clean your ears, shape your nails and then give yourself a pedicure and manicure. Straighten and style your hair. Finish up with tinting your lashes with a home kit.
Procrasti-nap: If you've exhausted all available procrasti-options, go to sleep. You're probably really tired from completely overhauling your life in the past few hours. Go on, you deserve it.
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