I am possibly the worst. Studier. Ever. I leave everything until the last minute and then procrastinate my way through paragraphs and paragraphs of dubiously-researched waffle. It alarms me on a regular basis that I generally get fairly average/decent marks.
Around 1am, the night before a due date, the crazies begin to set in. Here are some random thoughts from this delightful frame of mind.
Why do people have ocean-themed bathrooms? Does the sound of the toilet flushing remind them of the ocean or something?
I wonder what it would be like to be a cat. I'd have fur and shit. I'd be able to lick my own ass.
Smarties are such obscure colours when you compare them to Pebbles and MMs. That funny beige colour, for instance. Really? You wanna put that in your mouth?
Why can't I find sunglasses like Laura Palmer's in Twin Peaks?
What's the opposite of androgenous?
The tip of my nose is getting more bulbous, I swear. Last time I checked it was way smaller. I'm gonna need rhinoplasty at this rate.
Who gets to decide what the flavour/colour correlations of candy? Who gets to choose if yellow is banana, pineapple or lemon flavoured? WHAT KIND OF CREDENTIALS DO THEY HAVE?
Why do so many people have difficulty with punctuation and grammar? It's getting to universal epidemic proportions. I feel like some kind of genius for knowing the difference between they're, there and their.
Who gets to choose what fashion styles are in or out? Who gets to say that bell-bottoms are coming back in? WHAT KIND OF CREDENTIALS DO THEY HAVE?
If I were an oompa-loompa, would I be attracted to oompa-loompa men?
I wonder what I would look like with a fuck-tonne of piercings.
I wonder what I would look like with a fuck-tonne of tattoos.
If I were getting a tattoo, what would I get?
If I were getting a piercing, where would I get it?
I wonder how much it hurts to get your penis pierced.
I don't have a penis so I will never know.
I wonder if it's like nipples? If so, I wonder how much nipple piercings hurt.
What does green taste like? Is it apple? pear? lime? avocado? pistachio? mint? Surely there is a standard green taste.
I wonder what it's like to give birth.
Who made up time? That whole seconds/minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years thing must have taken fucking ages to work out.
Why am I still awake?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Ellie Rants: Procrastination
Procrastination is one of my favourite pastimes. I am really, really good at it.
Procrastination has many forms - some are useful, some are simply a means to an end. Here's a wee dictionary of some of my favourites for your use and enjoyment.
Procrasti-surf: Bleed the internet dry, y'all. It's interesting and can be done incrementally. Comment on all your friends' photos. Casually stalk someone on Facebook. Write a blog.
Procrasti-wee: Go to the toilet. You think you don't need to, but there's always a chance you can squeeze a couple of drops out.
Procrasti-makeup: While you're in the bathroom, think about all the different styles of makeup that you've always wanted to experiment with. Ever wondered what you'd look like with thick, black eyeliner right the way round your eyes? Try it! A smear of green shadow? Why not! Your flatmate's lipstick that suits her perfectly but might or might not suit you? GO FOR GOLD.
Proctasti-tweeze: You really, REALLY need to pluck your eyebrows right now. No other time will do. While you're at it, consider waxing your legs. Stop before you consider giving yourself a home-job brazilian however. I can personally testify that this does not turn out well.
Procrasti-snack: Of course you're hungry. You just don't know it. Fix a snack, the more elaborate and time-consuming the better.
Procrasti-bake: An extension of the procrasti-snack. Nothing better than a home-baked treat to help along the "studying".
Procrasti-beverage: Fix a drink. Hot drinks take longer than cold drinks. Coffee is especially fantastic because you have to wait for it to brew. If it's not 4am, you can always consider leaving the house for beverages. Same goes for food.
Procrasti-photography: There's bound to be loads of interesting shit around your home that you can photograph. Experiment with "arty" shots. Draw the process out by resizing them all and uploading them to all your social networking sites. Draw it out even further by manipulating the images in photoshop.
Procrasti-wardrobe: Play dress-ups! There are definitely numerous combinations of clothing that you've never even considered. Use this opportunity to really hone your style or create a new image altogether.
Procrasti-shop: Visit the supermarket under the guise of getting study snacks/beverages. Take time to read the backs of packets. Compare the nutritional information of all brands of crackers. Pause in the magazine isle and have a browse through the latest gossip. Procrasti-shopping is fantastic; the supermarket is ALWAYS OPEN.
Procrasti-clean: One of the more extreme forms of procrastination. However, arguably one of the most limitless. Start with your bedroom; rearrange the furniture, vacuum under the bed and organise your closet in categories. Then the bathroom. If you scrub long enough you can probably make the shower/vanity/toilet white again. Follow suit with the kitchen, living area and dining room. You'll know you're nearly done when you're down to scrubbing the walls and skirting.
Procrasti-paint: Release the artist in you! It doesn't matter if you are an accomplished artist or not. Experiment with block colours and create a fabulous piece of modern art for the living room. Try and paint your impression of the cat. Get your flatmate to pose nude so you can do life drawing, and insist that they sit VERY STILL while you labour over the crease in their elbow.
Procrasti-music: Play an instrument? Practice. Don't? LEARN. Improvise a drumkit from kitchen utensils and pots and pans/biscuit tins. Borrow your metal-head flatmate's guitar. If there's a violin handy, teach yourself to play twinkle twinkle little star. If you are musically inclined, now is definitely the perfect time to get down that song that's been going round in your head for the last few days.
Procrasti-pet: Lavish some love and affection on your cat, dog or tarantula. Take Rover for an extra-long walk as a treat for being your favourite dog in the whole wide world. Brush Kitty's fur til it gleams like the sun. Think up new tricks to teach your hamster/gerbil/rabbit/mouse/ferret/budgie, even if in the past they've shown no inclination to do tricks. Don't have a pet? Now's a great time to consider buying one. Think long and hard about the kind of pet you might like and be sure to research it thoroughly on the internet. Make a list of all the essential accessories you will need before heading to the pet shop for a long, detailed deliberation about what colour bunny rabbit is the cutest.
Procrasti-exercise: It's been a long time since you last did crunches. Start out with sets of 20 and alternate with push-ups and lunges. Take a long, long walk or bike ride, or try going for a run. Dig out Dad's old boxing gloves, prop a mattress up against the wall and pretend you're Mohummed Ali.
Procrasti-phone: Are you wondering what Johnny is doing? Why not call him and find out! Systematically work your way through your contacts list and try all the people that you know have excellent verbal diarrhea skills. If you're at an absolute loss, call your mother and let her talk at you about the dog.
Procrasti-craft: You know, I bet you'd be fantastic at origami. Collate all your possible craft materials into a pile on the table and then search for online tutorials that match up and to get the gist. From there, practice, practice, practice! You'll be crocheting like a pro in no time.
Procrasti-beautify: A natural follow-on from makeup experimentation and hair removal. Take a shower and give yourself a full body scrub. Put a treatment/colour through your hair. Shave your legs (if you haven't waxed them already) and your armpits. Then, moisturise your entire body before moving on to cleansing, toning, exfoliating and moisturising your face. Moisturise your body a second time for good measure. Clean your ears, shape your nails and then give yourself a pedicure and manicure. Straighten and style your hair. Finish up with tinting your lashes with a home kit.
Procrasti-nap: If you've exhausted all available procrasti-options, go to sleep. You're probably really tired from completely overhauling your life in the past few hours. Go on, you deserve it.
Procrastination has many forms - some are useful, some are simply a means to an end. Here's a wee dictionary of some of my favourites for your use and enjoyment.
Procrasti-surf: Bleed the internet dry, y'all. It's interesting and can be done incrementally. Comment on all your friends' photos. Casually stalk someone on Facebook. Write a blog.
Procrasti-wee: Go to the toilet. You think you don't need to, but there's always a chance you can squeeze a couple of drops out.
Procrasti-makeup: While you're in the bathroom, think about all the different styles of makeup that you've always wanted to experiment with. Ever wondered what you'd look like with thick, black eyeliner right the way round your eyes? Try it! A smear of green shadow? Why not! Your flatmate's lipstick that suits her perfectly but might or might not suit you? GO FOR GOLD.
Proctasti-tweeze: You really, REALLY need to pluck your eyebrows right now. No other time will do. While you're at it, consider waxing your legs. Stop before you consider giving yourself a home-job brazilian however. I can personally testify that this does not turn out well.
Procrasti-snack: Of course you're hungry. You just don't know it. Fix a snack, the more elaborate and time-consuming the better.
Procrasti-bake: An extension of the procrasti-snack. Nothing better than a home-baked treat to help along the "studying".
Procrasti-beverage: Fix a drink. Hot drinks take longer than cold drinks. Coffee is especially fantastic because you have to wait for it to brew. If it's not 4am, you can always consider leaving the house for beverages. Same goes for food.
Procrasti-photography: There's bound to be loads of interesting shit around your home that you can photograph. Experiment with "arty" shots. Draw the process out by resizing them all and uploading them to all your social networking sites. Draw it out even further by manipulating the images in photoshop.
Procrasti-wardrobe: Play dress-ups! There are definitely numerous combinations of clothing that you've never even considered. Use this opportunity to really hone your style or create a new image altogether.
Procrasti-shop: Visit the supermarket under the guise of getting study snacks/beverages. Take time to read the backs of packets. Compare the nutritional information of all brands of crackers. Pause in the magazine isle and have a browse through the latest gossip. Procrasti-shopping is fantastic; the supermarket is ALWAYS OPEN.
Procrasti-clean: One of the more extreme forms of procrastination. However, arguably one of the most limitless. Start with your bedroom; rearrange the furniture, vacuum under the bed and organise your closet in categories. Then the bathroom. If you scrub long enough you can probably make the shower/vanity/toilet white again. Follow suit with the kitchen, living area and dining room. You'll know you're nearly done when you're down to scrubbing the walls and skirting.
Procrasti-paint: Release the artist in you! It doesn't matter if you are an accomplished artist or not. Experiment with block colours and create a fabulous piece of modern art for the living room. Try and paint your impression of the cat. Get your flatmate to pose nude so you can do life drawing, and insist that they sit VERY STILL while you labour over the crease in their elbow.
Procrasti-music: Play an instrument? Practice. Don't? LEARN. Improvise a drumkit from kitchen utensils and pots and pans/biscuit tins. Borrow your metal-head flatmate's guitar. If there's a violin handy, teach yourself to play twinkle twinkle little star. If you are musically inclined, now is definitely the perfect time to get down that song that's been going round in your head for the last few days.
Procrasti-pet: Lavish some love and affection on your cat, dog or tarantula. Take Rover for an extra-long walk as a treat for being your favourite dog in the whole wide world. Brush Kitty's fur til it gleams like the sun. Think up new tricks to teach your hamster/gerbil/rabbit/mouse/ferret/budgie, even if in the past they've shown no inclination to do tricks. Don't have a pet? Now's a great time to consider buying one. Think long and hard about the kind of pet you might like and be sure to research it thoroughly on the internet. Make a list of all the essential accessories you will need before heading to the pet shop for a long, detailed deliberation about what colour bunny rabbit is the cutest.
Procrasti-exercise: It's been a long time since you last did crunches. Start out with sets of 20 and alternate with push-ups and lunges. Take a long, long walk or bike ride, or try going for a run. Dig out Dad's old boxing gloves, prop a mattress up against the wall and pretend you're Mohummed Ali.
Procrasti-phone: Are you wondering what Johnny is doing? Why not call him and find out! Systematically work your way through your contacts list and try all the people that you know have excellent verbal diarrhea skills. If you're at an absolute loss, call your mother and let her talk at you about the dog.
Procrasti-craft: You know, I bet you'd be fantastic at origami. Collate all your possible craft materials into a pile on the table and then search for online tutorials that match up and to get the gist. From there, practice, practice, practice! You'll be crocheting like a pro in no time.
Procrasti-beautify: A natural follow-on from makeup experimentation and hair removal. Take a shower and give yourself a full body scrub. Put a treatment/colour through your hair. Shave your legs (if you haven't waxed them already) and your armpits. Then, moisturise your entire body before moving on to cleansing, toning, exfoliating and moisturising your face. Moisturise your body a second time for good measure. Clean your ears, shape your nails and then give yourself a pedicure and manicure. Straighten and style your hair. Finish up with tinting your lashes with a home kit.
Procrasti-nap: If you've exhausted all available procrasti-options, go to sleep. You're probably really tired from completely overhauling your life in the past few hours. Go on, you deserve it.
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